Yesterday, Noah was in the car and he asked me, "Mommy, what do you think the most important world resource is?"
I said, "Do you know what a resource is?"
He said, "Yeah," in a voice that indicated that he felt I must be mentally disabled, "It's stuff that humans use. Like water, food, iron, wood."
I asked him, "What do you think the most important world resource is?"
"Hmmm," he said. "I'm going to go with water. Because a human can only survive for 3 days without it. You can go for like 3 weeks without food. But you die if you don't have water for 3 days."
Thought that was a pretty good observation. However, why Noah is wondering about world resources is another story. Last time we had a conversation on the global level it was about armies and wars. Planning to take over the world requires a lot of research, I suppose. ;)
On the way home tonight, Noah said, "Wouldn't it be cool if you could snap your fingers and make your dreams come to life?"
"Yeah, that would be pretty cool. What's your favorite dream?"
Noah said, "Umm, probably the one where I'm a ninja and I'm battling this bad guy. I do some karate chop stuff to his face and then I kick him in his undercarriage. You know, his groin. But he doesn't get destroyed yet. And he pulls out his sword and tries to stab me, but I make my stomach morph into this, like, donut shape and the sword goes right through and doesn't hurt me. Then I turn back into human form and take out my swords and stab him and he explodes."
I heard the whole story, but to be honest I was really still stuck on the fact that he used the word undercarriage.
Noah is multi-talented. Not only does he say funny things, he can do funny things as well. Take bowling for example.
Notice the extremely technical approach. We like to call it the Juggernaut. And, in case you missed it, Noah is indeed using the force to push pins down. Like I said...multi-talented.
He can also draw amazing works of art. As long as the subject matter is dinosaurs of jedi battles.
He also has the ability to send me into a rage orbit using less than ten words.
This morning, while I was brewing my coffee, he came up to me and said, "Can I go out to the car and get my sword?" I responded, "In a minute." Exactly one minute later, Noah pops into the kitchen and says, "A minute is 60 seconds. Your time is up."
Hulk smash is illegal in real life, right? Yeah, that's what I thought.
I started a new job recently and part of my training is watching some videos on teen pregnancy. Noah was doing school in the next room, but was apparently listening to the video. After the girl on the video gave birth, he came in and we had the following conversation:
Noah: Mom? Did you give birth to me like that?
Me: Yep.
Noah: How did you get me out of your tummy?
Me: I had to push you out with my stomach muscles.
Noah looks confused and puts his hand on his tummy: But how...did...how did I come out of your tummy? Did I rip your skin?
Me, laughing: No, you didn't actually come out my tummy. You came out...(I point towards my legs).
Noah's expression turns from confusion to dread: You mean...I came out your butt?
Me: Pretty much.
Noah does a face palm: Gross. That's disgusting.
Me, laughing: Gross huh?
Noah, walking away: I don't want to talk about this anymore. Gross...
From the other room, I hear him mutter, "All I wanted was a peaceful break from school. And this is what I get."
This morning while we were eating breakfast, Noah was talking to me while I was reading something and I didn't notice until about halfway through his sentence.
"What?" I said.
"Were you listening to me before?" he asked.
"No, sorry. What did you say?"
He started talking again very slowly. "I was saying that I can't wait until I get to see Oma and Opa. Because it's going to be very soon," he said.
"Yeah, that's right."
"Did you get all that?"
Me, "Yeah....why?"
Noah, "I was worried I might be talking to fast for you to understand."
Me, "Glad you have such a high opinion of me, Noah."
He thought about it for a second, then said. "Well you are a lot taller than me."
A few minutes later, he observed, "God understands you even when you are talking as fast as you can. That's because he has the biggest mind. And he is the highest."
Noah has been doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu with me. He absolutely loves it.
He had been asking me for a while to train with me, but I didn't think he would have the focus. Also, I was pretty sure that the majority of his motivation was to get a gi (the uniform people wear in BJJ).
But, seeing as gis are expensive, I wanted to make sure that Noah was serious about training. So I made a deal with him that he had to finish an entire class without getting distracted by the other kids who were at the gym playing. The first class he came to was... kind of a bust. He did the warm-ups and some of the drills, but then he wanted to play with Luca and some of the other kids that were there. He didn't finish the class, therefore he didn't get his gi.
Devastation ensued.
Noah, being the strategist that he is, asked me if he could come to afternoon classes with me. Usually, there aren't many kids in afternoon classes, so he said he wouldn't get as distracted. I agreed. And he did awesome!
Noah has been coming with me to afternoon classes since then. He has been to two more classes and has learned an armbar from mount and guard, an omaplata, learned some things about retaining mount. He even did an inverted armbar. Like his Mommy, he is now loves Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. Here are some pictures of him doing an omaplata.
This morning, when I was looking at Failblog while we were eating breakfast, we came across this picture.
"That baby in the yellow shirt is doing it right and that other baby is struggling to get out, right?" Noah asked.
I said, "Yep."
Noah said, "And that baby is doing the armbar just like I do."
Me, "Yep."
Noah said, "Did he let go when the other baby tapped?"
Me, "I don't know."
Noah, "Well I think he'll get in trouble if he doesn't let go. He will break the other baby's arm. And that's not nice for somebody's arm. Unless if it's a bad guy. It's only on Failblog because he didn't let go when the other baby tapped."
Noah has had several identity struggles in his short seven years of life. When he was four, he became very disturbed by the fact that his name was Noah. To him, Noah was "No-Ah", as in the word "No", which is never a popular word with kids. He asked us to stop calling him Noah and start calling him "Yessah" instead.
That one was cute. Less cute was his next identity change. He became obsessed with the most obnoxious children's show that has ever been created. The theme song plays at least five times per episode. In a show where the episodes last about 20 mins, that is excessive. I will include the opening credits only to prove that real evil does exist.
Thanks to Netflix, Noah had access to the entire first season of this wonderful show. He decided he wanted to be Jake from the Dino Squad. He would only answer to the name Jake. Why? Because Jake transforms into a T-Rex, which is the King of all the Dinosaurs.
Duh!
Fast forward a year, and you find yourself in the age of Star Wars. Being a nerd, I decided to introduce Noah to the series in chronological order, starting from Episode 1: The Phantom Menace. He instantly decided Anakin Skywalker was the coolest person to ever exist (in Noah's mind, he was ABSOLUTELY real) and for a while, he insisted that he be called Anakin.
This obsession gave birth to one of the creepiest Halloween Costumes I have ever seen.
He was so enamored with Anakin that for a long time, we hid Episode 3 from him because that is the movie where Anakin turns to the Dark Side and becomes Darth Vader. One day, Episode 3 came on TV and I didn't notice until it was too late. With tears in his eyes, Noah came to me and said, "Mommy, something terrible has happened. Anakin turned to the dark side!"
But even with the revelation that his hero had turned villain, Anakin lasted a while. Recently, Noah had a brief had a brief Jack Sparrow stint, with some anonymous Ninjas thrown into the mix, but the other day, he picked a new identity. It is the strangest one yet.
Yeah. That's who you think it is. George Washington. Ever since I told him the story of George Washington leading men in a sneak attack against the British, Noah has been obsessed with the First President of the United States. Today, in the car, we had this conversation.
Noah: "Mom, why didn't you name me George Washington?"
Me: "Why? Because I liked the name Noah better."
Noah: "Well I don't."
Me: "Sorry, bud. That's your name."
Noah: "Well I think you should change my name to George Washington. He was the best president of all time."
Noah is learning about George Washington. This morning, we talked about the American Revolution and the battle where George Washington led a surprise attack against the British.
When I was explaining to him why the early Americans wanted to be free of British rule, I was telling him that the King was ordering them to give him lots of their money without being fair.
Noah said, "So, the British were kind of like pirates?"
Me. "Um...kind of. But the British were taking taxes--charging money for things--without being fair."
Noah, "So they were stealing."
Me, "Kind of."
Noah, "So, they were pirates, like I said."
Me, "Not really, but you can think of it like that if you want."
So, when Noah was drawing a picture of George Washington going over to surprise the British (pictured above), Noah was singing, "Yo ho, yo ho a British life for me!"
I was not prepared for this morning. Noah woke up with a brain full of questions.
1. What does your heart look like?
2. How does it get the blood to your body?
3. Where are your lungs?
4. What does your brain do?
So, before we started regular school, we had a biology lesson. Looked at pictures online, talked about how each system works and what it does. Watched a youtube video about the cardiovascular system. Had him draw a picture of what he had learned about.
After that, I thought Noah had reached his Random Question Quota for the morning. He sat down and started to work on his spelling words. Then, he started with this:
As he was eating dinner of spaghetti, Noah looks up to me and makes an observation.
"You know, Mommy, sometimes bad things are just good things in disguise."
"Very true," I said.
"And also, something good can come out of something bad. Like, when Jesus died, which was something bad, 3 days later, he came back to life. And that was something good. And that's what I mean. Something good can come can come out of something bad."
Noah has a YouTube obsession. It began with Star Wars. He has probaly seen the majority of the Star Wars videos on the internet. Impossible, you say? You underestimate the staying power of a six year old boy who spent most of his time thinking of ways to get a robot hand so he could be more like Anakin Skywalker. The level of dedication was very high.
But after a while he started adding a little variety to the mix. Some Lego Ninjago. Some Pirates of the Caribbean. Some snake attack videos. You know, boy stuff.
Then... Minecraft happened.
Micah introduced Noah to Minecraft and the spark was instant. Noah and Minecraft have been inseperable ever since. I wonder if Anakin is jealous, because now all of his YouTube watching is dedicated to Minecraft how-tos.
Anyway, this morning as soon as he woke up he snuck over to the computer and started looking at Minecraft videos. I stopped him mid-watch with the horrible news that he had to do school first.
He said, "But Mommy! This is my most favorite end video with this underdragon I have to destroy so I can collect an underdragon egg!"
"Uh....ok. You can do that after school."
He sighed and said, "Ok. I GUESS that sounds reasonable."
Micah and zaile came over today and had fun feeding the ducks. :) A few of he more...portly ducks were very assertive in their quest for food. Much screaming and running and quacking and flapping was had.
Not all the ducks were as brave, probably because the kids came running at them full speed yelling, "Free duck food!" When the ducks would fly away, Noah would say, "I'm not giving up!" Zaile would say, "I'm not giving up either!" Micah, who was a reluctant participant from the beginning would say, "Aunt Allie, what's the fastest way bck to the house?"
When they ran out of food, Noah observed, "Well, most of the ducks were attracted to me. Only some werent ."
When I asked the kids what they thought of the ducks, they said, "These ducks are crazy!"
Noah and I are staying at a place with a lake behind the building. when he was taking a break from his school work this morning, I let him go on the back porch to play. I told him that he was not allowed to go off the porch or go into the lake. When he asked my why he couldn't swim in the lake, I said, "Because there are alligators."
He said, "But the lady told me there weren't."
Me: "Ms. Brandy?"
Noah: "Yeah. She said there weren't."
Me: "Well there could be. This is Florida. Lots of gators. Either way, its against the rules to swim in the lake. Don't go in there."
Noah: "So...you were just making stuff up so I wouldn't go in the lake?"
Noah came home tonight and said, "Guess what, Mommy? I accepted Jesus into my heart!"
I said, "That's awesome! What happened?"
He answered, "Well, I didn't even feel it. I guess he just popped right in there. I think he's in there right now. What did you feel when you accepted Jesus into your heart?"
"Happy," I said.
"Oh yeah. I think I'm feeling that too."
"So what does it mean to accept Jesus into your heart?" I asked him.
"For him to give me forgiveness for all the bad things I did."
"And do you know why he did that?"
"Because he loves us. And He takes good care of us and protects us in the night. And He saves us when we're in danger. And He loves us also for doing other stuff that's good."
We are learning about Florida this week, so I let Noah watch some videos about our state and it's natural features.
It is convenient that we are learning about Florida this week because we just took a day trip to Daytona yesterday and went boating with my sister out to Disappearing Island. Disappearing Island is exactly what it sounds like: an island that appears when the tide goes out and disappears when it comes in again. Its cool because there are a lot of grassy areas, isolated pools where minnows get trapped when the water goes out, lots of crabs and birds and shells. It's a fun place to explore.
Here he is stalking minnows in one of the pools of water.
JJ and Noah at the end of the day, when the tide is coming in. The water comes in so fast you can literally see the island disappearing under your feet. Pretty cool.
This is right before we left. The foreground of the picture is where we set up our cooler and stuff. It was almost gone by the time we took in the anchor and left.
This morning, while Noah was learning about Florida, the trip was still fresh in his mind. While the lady on the video was talking about the coastline and all the animals that live around the beaches, Noah sighed and said, "I'm glad I was born here. You picked a good place, Mom."
This morning, me and JJ had to take my car in to get some work done. I had to drop JJ off at work and drive home in his car. Apparently, my driving makes JJ slightly nervous because he felt the need to jokingly tell Noah to remind Mommy to take it easy on old Betsy.
Noah said, "Ok, but what is a Betsy anyway?"
This, my friends, is a Betsy.
After we dropped JJ off, Noah and I started the drive home in 'ole Betsy and Noah said, "You know what I've always wanted to do, Mom?"
"What have you always wanted to do?" I asked.
"Be on AFV."
Recently, Noah has been obsessed with watching America's Funniest Home Videos. And since it is on Netflix, he has had the great pleasure of watching it ALL THE FREAKING TIME!
I asked him, "What kind of video would you make to get on the show?"
He sighed. "Isn't it obvious? A funny one. That is the whole point."
"Ok, Mr. Attitude," I said in my mom warning voice.
"Sorry, Mom. I'll explain it better," he said. "You're supposed to send in funny videos. Like dog videos. Or falling videos. You know, stuff that is funny."
I have been out of coffee for over a week. For those of you who do not suffer from a caffeine addiction, let me tell you that being out of coffee is like trying to go without deodorant for a week. You can make do, but everyone else suffers.
Yesterday I finally went grocery shopping and bought my favorite coffee and several types of creamers. I got a little carried away. But by the time I got home, it was too late to make coffee and still be able to sleep through the night, so I abstained. This morning, I woke up and stumbled into the kitchen and started my morning routine of making Noah and myself breakfast. I belatedly realized I had coffee and got very excited and jumped up and down while I made my coffee.
Noah very sagely shook his head and said, "You like coffee a whole bunch don't you?"
I agreed with his assessment and danced around while I waited for my coffee to be done. When it was, I poured myself a massive cup, loaded it with milk and creamer and started to walk to the table.
Enter Satan.
Satan sometimes goes by the alias of Maximus the Dino Cat. Or, as the locals refer to him, Max. Max picked the moment when I walking from the kitchen to the dining room table to dart out from his lair at warp speed and crash head first into my legs. Either he is partially retarded and could not gauge the distance between my legs and the several feet of open space all around me, or he was actually trying to kill me. He did not succeed. I survived.
But my coffee didn't.
And this is what happened.
Meanwhile, Noah is cracking up. For a creature who received his life by leeching off of my body for nine months and then breaking my vagina as he forced his way into the world, you would think he would have some semblance of sympathy. No. When he saw me glaring at him, he shrugged his shoulders and said...
"Come on, Mom, you gotta' admit. That was pretty funny."
This morning, while we were doing school, the dog escaped from the yard. I ran outside, got her, put her back in the yard and came back inside. But, seeing as I am allergic to dogs, the fun did not end there. I started sneezing and my nose started running. I was making a lot of ruckus. Noah stops doing his work and looks at me.
"I'm going to pray for you to stop sneezing, ok?"
"Ok baby," I say.
He squeezes his eyes shut. "Jesus, please help my Mommy to feel better and stop sneezing. In Jesus' name. Amen."
"Thanks sweet heart," I say.
He picks up his pencil and sighs as if he's just done a lot of work and says, "Just doing my job. Protecting you."
Last night, Noah watched American Idol with JJ while I was at Jiu-Jitsu. This morning, I turned it on while I was drinking my coffee. It was group week on the show and one group walks on the stage.
So far this morning, Noah has eaten the following:
1 bowl of oatmeal
1 banana
1 apple
10 large strawberries
20 grapes
2 cups of applesauce
2 cheese hotdogs
It is not even noon yet.
I was talking to Steph, my sister-in-law, on the phone and I lamented that Noah is an eating machine. After I hung up, he asked me, "What's an eating machine?"
"An eating machine is a machine that was designed to eat and eat and eat and never stop eating," I answered.
He considered this for a moment, then said, "Ok, you're right then. I am an eating machine."
